Pride Month and a Couple of Angels Among Men
I break from my far from ordinary sociolinguistic and existential brain drain which I know my readership loves to thank in front of all my friends Pedro Pascal and his stunningly beautiful sister Lux for saving my soul this Pride Month. There was about a three-month leadup to one of my most favorite and dreaded months of the year during which I fell in love with both these humans yet again (viva Chile!) and discovered a new-old part of myself. Tengo un viejo y joven alma al mismo tiempo. Si, it makes no sense.
I’ve always been queer, but my queer identity hasn’t always been at the front of my mind. As a good capitalist, I had other work to do. But I exploded one day three years ago and came out. I knew next to nothing about my true self– the bipolar part nor the queer part– but I knew that I wanted to be out. For my health, I needed to be out. There was a brief feeling of euphoria. I told everyone. Then, I hid. I was proud for just a few short weeks, then spent pride month avoiding everyone. I had no idea who was an ally or a homophobe (were there secret agents?) and I wasn’t connected to any queer community. I was isolated and scared to death. My family didn’t react well. Not that I expected that, but I was always a reluctant optimist.
Then, I met someone. A real dogshit human, but such a chamuyero. He, he and I connected and began a scandalous and confusing situationship. I was off my rocker. I was still queer, right? Even though I was with a man? Could I still listen to King Princess and Renee Rapp in good conscience? I wasn’t sure. So I did what only I could do– my dear friends know.
I haven’t always been adept at processing my feelings or knowing what to do. Writing helps, and therapy helps, but I still shut down my true feelings in an attempt to fit in. But I don’t fit in. My mental health often renders me a hot mess. Not everyone is understanding of that. I’ve been quite liberal with my personal pursuits. I think I can say now that I’m a reluctantly proud bisexual. Not everyone is understanding of that, either. But Pedro Pascal, forever an LGBTQ+ ally and internet icon, has given me hope to be myself. Lux Pascal, my recent celebrity crush, has a movie coming out soon. It’s little things that live in my phone like this, and proddings of a dear coworker to go to Pride Fest in Dallas, that offer up a bit of hope. At the proddings of another dear friend, I recently watched David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive for the first time– going in blind. Damn!! Viva that movie. Yet another reason why media portrayal of queer relationships is so important– it offers hope and crazy artistry. And elevating queer voices matters too– seeing and hearing ourselves on screen and in music gives hope to everyone– voices I wish my younger self could hear.
It’s okay to not have it all figured out. I am grateful for a few friends who graciously stood by my side as I came around, lost myself, came around again, and again fell off. My journey isn’t over. This Pride Month, I intend to be proud. Loving people regardless of gender isn’t exactly the norm. If I had it my way, everyone would be bi. But the more I study language, I realize that there is so much out there in the world for people like me. So many different ways to celebrate ourselves. So many love languages. As my world opens up geographically and linguistically, so my world opens up to show more compassion to my LGBTQ+ self. It’s important to get out there.
I realize now that I can’t exactly put to words how Pedro and Lux Pascal saved my soul this Pride Month. It’s not clickbait– I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it. Truly angels among men– unapologetic. The way I wish to be.