Fetty Wap and Nathan Fielder Saved My Life
Two sides of the same coin. One has a trap queen and one is a trap queen. One is a poet and a culture icon and one is an existential con artist performing miracles in the Mojave. In short, I love these two men.
I walked out of a movie theater last night. Since all my emergency contacts are out of state right now, I decided to go to the 10:30 showing of the demonic possession horror movie Bring Her Back. It looked pretty great. But as soon as shit hit the fan, I thought, let’s bring me back home. Fetty Wap blasted in my speakers. I listened to “Trap Queen” twice in a row before I arrived home. That’s two “1738”s, for reference. It made me laugh and dance in a way I never do. All of a sudden, I was losing myself. I discovered the key. I thought that in order to perform well in my exam I needed to lose myself in the language. Dig my heels in. Practice more. Now, I realize what I needed was to lose myself to anything. Make myself laugh. Make myself dance. Forget any language at all, because “1738” is the only thing I understand in that song, and I don’t even really understand it. Fetty Wap transcends. I realized that language isn’t about precision. It isn’t about conjugating my verbs right. It’s about being in Morocco with one month of Arabic skills in the wrong dialect and meeting your Habibi anyway. Connecting with someone in 4 languages. It’s about learning new words on the street in Peru. It’s about the experience. It’s about laughing at yourself. It’s about connecting. That’s something a language exam can’t give me. That’s something I already have. It’s more than a skill, because I often don’t practice in a traditional way. I don’t own flashcards. I don’t memorize. It’s a passion. A magical intellectual lovechild of my own particular brand of Texas English and all the different brands of different languages I’ve picked up along the way. A new way of seeing the world. A new kind of poetry. Language is about Fetty Wap. It’s about having fun.
But I needed a different kind of saving this month, too. I needed Nathan Fielder. I stumbled upon The Rehearsal on my weekly HBO Max read-through. Sometimes I find something; sometimes I don’t. I don’t know what made me click on his show; sometimes things just happen that we can’t explain.
For those who have not watched, I won’t spoil it or explain it. People have different reactions to Nathan. For some, he is the comedic con artist and marketing specialist from his previous show, Nathan for You. He draws upon this past self in his new show. For others, he might simply be a comedian. For some, he is a voice for autism. Some don’t appreciate his dry sarcasm (or is he for real?), and me, like some others, see him as an artist. A sick, funny, deeply existential, and deeply talented artist. There’s something inside all of us that needs to rehearse. As an non-autistic but very much bipolar person, I often mask my true self. I’ve gotten pretty good at it—someone should give me a reward. And in watching Nathan Fielder transform others and himself in carefully thought-out stimulations for stressful life events (and more), I realized my own desire to rehearse this test. My own desire to get it right. I realized that is a human thing. I also realized that it’s okay to be obsessed. That was the real takeaway. I try so much to mask my obsession. That part I’m not very good at. But Nathan Fielder gave me courage to take off the mask and be myself. Just like he dove deep into his aviation hobby and disaster obsession in season two, I dove deep into Spanish. And I realized it’s okay to drown in it. It’s okay to get in and realize you don’t know it all. We can all rehearse, but someday we’ll fly solo, and nothing can prepare you for that. But hard work pays off. Obsession is artistry. Nathan Fielder validated me.
You see how I need both? Obsession and letting go. I’ve always operated with a “wheels-up wheels-off” mentality, but never at home. Maybe now, six days before my test, is the time to get drunk. No, really. Maybe now is the time to get hype. I’ve rehearsed and practiced and dived deep, deep, deep into this passion for Spanish. Now, it’s time to live it. Wheels up, wheels off.